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WHY GOING SEXUALLY SOBER AFTER A BREAK UP - AT LEAST FOR A BIT - IS A SMART MOVE.
So it’s all over. You and he/she/they have decided to part ways. Even at its most amicable, one of you will be feeling rather aggrieved.
Especially if the break up wasn’t your idea to begin with. You may be feeling a little un - unloved, unappealing, unattractive. What better way to boost your stocks than by firing up that dormant Tinder account and seeing who wants to play. After all, as they say (after several cocktails), the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Right? Well, the science says probably not.
Bear with us here. When a group of researchers from University of Missouri decided to examine rebound and revenge sex, they could find only 12 published articles in psychological journals but 18 million online sites on the topic through a Google search. Two things became clear. 1) It’s an area of huge interest and 2) some academic rigour was needed.
They then created a study where 170 undergraduate students (two-thirds of whom were female) who had recently ended a relationship, were tracked over the course of one semester, assessing their feelings of anger and distress toward their ex-partner; their self-esteem; their motives for sexual activity; and frequency of sex with a new partner.
It was concluded that along with exploring a new body, those engaging in rebound sex were also battling feelings of loneliness and fear of being unwanted. In fact, the 35 per cent of respondents who said they rebounded into a stranger’s bed suffered more long-term pain and heartache than those who didn't engage in a case of rebound or revenge sex.
We’re by no means saying you shouldn’t ever go down this, um, root. Just know that it won’t treat your blues but probably just aneasthetise them and if that’s what you want, then so be it. But don’t kid yourself it’s a healing exercise.
Now the naysayers have been acknowledged, it should be pointed out that the experts are by no means united in their advice.
There are plenty of devil’s advocates. Just like sex therapist Patricia Rich, who told Daily Beast, “There are a lot of reasons people would want to have sex after a breakup, probably more positive than negative”. Of course with the proviso that as long it's safe and consensual, “[rebound sex] can certainly help in the healing process.”
So what is the defining measure then of harm versus help? For that we turn to Dr Sue Johnson, author of Love Sense, The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. For Johnson, motivation is the paramount factor.
"You have to do it for you,” she told self.com. “Leaping into bed with someone at a time when you're most vulnerable can lead to more hurt and more rejection.”
What’s more, she poses a crucial question: Are you hooking up with someone new because you want him/her— or because you just want someone else to think about for the night? If your answer is the latter, think again.
[Via GQ Australia]
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