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Saturday, May 21, 2022

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#SexColumn: Summer is here, and it's time to get naked

In this Jan. 15, 2017 photo, a woman shows her crisp tan line, underneath a bikini made of black electrical tape at the Erika Bronze rooftop salon in the suburban neighborhood of Realengo in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (AP Photo/Renata Brito)

In this Jan. 15, 2017 photo, a woman shows her crisp tan line, underneath a bikini made of black electrical tape at the Erika Bronze rooftop salon in the suburban neighborhood of Realengo in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. (AP Photo/Renata Brito)

Published Jan 21, 2022

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By Sharon Gordon

Johannesburg - Just in case you haven’t noticed with all this rain around, summer is here and it’s time to get naked, have afternoon naps and midnight picnics near the pool or beach.

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If you don’t have a pool may I suggest one of those blow up kiddy pools, they are fantastic! With our budgets being a bit tighter this year we are going to have to be a bit more creative that a trip to Plett! So here are my top summer sex tips to get you started even if you are back at work.

It’s time to defluff

Dig out your summer clothes, come to terms with the fact that you will not have a bikini body this year and learn to rock what is. If I’ve learnt anything it’s that next year you will be a year older and potentially have more sag or another lesson from last year – you could be dead!

The breasts will eventually go from bright to dims unless you can afford cosmetic surgery. Get your hair trimmed, shave, wax, trim your toenails and paint them a bright happy colour. It will make you feel better and may even kick start your summer.

Have sex, as much as you can

Force yourself if you don’t feel like it. The payoff is about as good as having a vacation. If you don’t have a partner, no problem, sort yourself out because that orgasm is just how you want it.

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The orgasm or intimate touching will leave you glowing, and you will feel less depressed. Everyone will think you’ve been away. It is said that 200 Orgasms a year will make you look 4 years younger!

– Eat sexy food, whatever that may mean to you.

– Eat it with your hands

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The messier the better! Get your partner to lick the dripping bits off your chin.

One of my favourites at this time of year is frozen watermelon. Yummy to suck and rub all over body bits! When everything is as sticky as a two year old with a Fizzer, it’s time to get wet.A quick shower or romp in the pool should do it.

Use your bikini as bondage rope or a blindfold

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He will never look at your swim wear in the same way. Start with kisses and then progress to something naughtier involving the costume areas.

Play in the water

Just remember that if you are going to play in water best remember that you can catch a UTI really quickly, so make sure you have a silicone lube and cranberry pills close at hand.

Go commando

There is something really liberating about not wearing underwear.

I wore a sundress recently and was horrified by the muffin tops caused by underwear. My rolls had nothing to do with it. Solution – I whipped off the underwear and all at once I was thin and sexy!

Stay-cation

If your year started like mine or you are not be able to get away you need to have a couple of days Stay-cation.

Think about what you would usually do if you went away. For me it’s Wimpy breakfast, nap, miellies for lunch, afternoon nap and somewhere in between I read a book.

Then we braai and play cards and I don’t answer my phone or go on social media. Try to recreate some of what it means for you.

Have a Singles Party

There are always singles around with no family in town. They are always looking for a place to belong and join in. Invite them to a party at your house.

It doesn’t have to be expensive. Everyone can bring a favourite dish and a bottle. When there are loads of people around it is easier to tick my next tip off the list.

Have a quickie!

Find a quiet corner for a quickie. The bathroom usually works best. See if anyone notices you’re gone.

Sunscreen

If you are going out into the sun, remember to apply loads of sunscreen and don’t forget to apply it in places where your costume may creep away from. There is just nothing sexy about sunburn and not being able to be touched because you are in pain.

Wear dark glasses and a hat, it may even help you with a bit of role play.

Sprinklers

Remember what summer meant to you before you had bills to pay. It is the simple things I remember - Boerewors rolls and my boyfriend playing the guitar.

An earlier memory is brightly coloured towels and the sprinkler. I still can’t resist a sprinkler. With the summer we are having you can play in the rain. Fully clothed or naked. Laugh!

Midnight Picnic

Okay at my age midnight. In my case it happens at about 9.30 pm, as I said midnight! Make the food sexy – Look at the stars and the full moon. Make a wish!

The Saturday Star

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