By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - Overheard at a funeral recently – A group of middle-aged women +40 or so were comparing how much of an inconvenience it is to have sex! One of them went so far as to say that if she never had sex again it would be too soon.
Another in a separate conversation – not at the funeral, was asking for ways to get out of having sex with her very loving and caring husband. It is an all-too-common complaint and I got to wondering why?
Now as you know as a regular reader of this column, my libido is not what it used to be, and it worries me. Sex has always been a joy and when done properly and under the right conditions my favourite thing to do! So why?
I have come up with a couple of causes: Let’s start with it’s been a hell of a two years with friends dying, business battling, children fighting their own demons, aging, financial complications, a pandemic and now a bloody recession. Who can keep a happy face going during all of this?
Next consider the difference in health. Menopause and a shoulder injury that not only has cost an arm and a leg (at this stage I’m happy to donate the arm) and all the usual suspects. I swear the fifteen steps to the loo in the morning is getting more and more painful.
Lastly my attitude. For some bizarre reason I have bought into the social convention that sex is not for ‘old’ people. Remember how grossed out you were when you thought of your parents having sex? I’ve always cringed at displays of public affection and old people with no clothes on send me off the charts!
Now I know this is a prejudice and terrible. I know it’s wrong and I’m trying to work very hard on breaking the cycle, but it is confirmed in every meme, joke, TV show and DJ on the radio. What scares me is that if it affects me, who knows better, should be doing better – how bad must it be for others.
I know that I have a healthy attitude to sex. I was never taught that it was something you did to please your husband so just get on with it. I sit firmly in the sex for my own pleasure camp otherwise I would not be selling wonderful vibrators and adult toys.
My generation, I am the exception in my group of friends, have only ever had one sexual partner. We were taught that sex before marriage was a sin and usually married our first boyfriend. We were also fed the guilt that masturbation is the worst thing you can do, and your hand will fall off if you touch yourself!
There is nothing wrong with marrying your first love but what if he or she is a kak lover?
That means that all you will ever know is a bit of bump and grind with very little pleasure. No wonder it is an activity you want to leave behind as soon as possible.
I looked at the funeral husbands and I have to tell you that they were gross, I certainly wouldn’t want to have sex with them. I’m sure that had a been purview to their conversation they would be complaining about their wives not wanting to have sex. I promise you they would not for one single second have considered their role in the whole breakdown.
Here is a secret that women never talk about and mostly don’t even know they do. We blow smoke up a man’s … ego – all the time. We learn from a very early age that men a bigger and stronger that us. If we want to keep them from hurting us, physically or mentally we side with them and agree with their opinion because it makes life so much easier and keeps the peace.
When we talk to women about their pleasure, I can guess the answer before it is even formulated – ‘My husband would never!’ If we talk about masturbation and using a vibrator, ‘My husband would kill me if he found out!’ G-d forbid you should ask him to lose some weight, brush his teeth or wear a clean shirt!
This not wanting to have sex thing has just so many facets to it starting from childhood conditioning to old fashioned mores to which we all fall victim to. Including me!
What I’m trying to say this week is that we should start to recognize the patterns and try to identify why we have these feelings about sex. Are they healthy? Good or bad? Do they affect our relationship and if they do, it’s time to talk because know this – if you are having great sex in your relationship, it is only 10% of the overall picture. If sex is terrible and an issue it will account for 90% of everything that goes wrong.
Sex is not bad, it is not a duty, it is not wicked, it is not gross or dirty. Learn and explore. On that note you need to know that The Sex Expo is coming to Gauteng in mid-October, so start preparing. Obviously, Lola Montez will be there, and it will be a great opportunity to meet.
It is an even better opportunity to start a conversation about pleasure and shaking things up a bit.