I’m always talking about how to get the sex you want. How to get consent, how to orgasm, how to communicate with your partner. I seldom talk about what happens after. In the early stages of a relationship or when trying something new, like bondage, we should follow up with sexual aftercare. As the relationship gets older, we forget to do it. Some of us, have never done it. Maybe it’s time to revive the practice.
Sexual aftercare refers to the actions and behaviours that follow a sexual encounter.
It’s aimed at ensuring the emotional, physical, and psychological well-being of all parties involved. It helps to maintain trust, reinforce consent, and ensures that everyone feels respected and cared for.
It can also help to process any intense emotions or experiences that may arise during sexual activity. This is especially relevant when trying something new.
When aftercare is practised effectively, it can lead to improved communication, as partners discuss their feelings and experiences openly.
This can strengthen the emotional bond and create more trust and understanding.
Attending to each other’s needs after sex can enhance feelings of care and affection, which are crucial for a healthy and fulfilling partnership. Effective sexual aftercare can include a variety of actions.
Some common practices include:
1. Checking In: Asking partners how they are feeling and discussing the experience to ensure everyone felt comfortable and respected. “Fine” is not the answer you’re looking for. You need to engage and share what you really felt, otherwise what’s the point. Never be afraid to say it never worked for you. Or that you loved it so much you want to do it again!
2. Physical Care: Offering water, a warm blanket, or assistance with cleaning up to ensure physical comfort. Maybe a hot bath is what’s called for, or a cup of tea. If you’ve had a spanking session maybe a bit of cream on the spanked area. It reminds me of the old joke “Do you smoke after sex?” The answer: “I don’t know, I’ve never looked.”
3. Emotional Support: Providing reassurance, cuddling, or simply being present to help process any emotions that may arise. You may cry or laugh or jerk or fall asleep. You may want to process the experience later. All you have to do is say so.
4. Communication: Encouraging open and honest dialogue about what was enjoyable, what could be improved, and any boundaries for future encounters.
I certainly hope you had your safe words sorted out before embarking on the experience. I cannot stress enough how important this is. A safe word is an absolute game changer in any relationship. We recommend using the traffic light system.
Green for everything is fantastic and we can keep going. Amber for I’m not so sure about his but let’s give it a bit more time. Red is stop. Immediately. Not just now or now now, but right now.
5. Privacy and Space: Respecting each other’s need for privacy or space if desired, while also being available for support. You may want to run to the bathroom and close the door. That’s okay. Respect the need but also be cognisant of the other party’s reaction. They are probably going to feel like they’ve done something wrong. Do reassure them that this is a you thing.
6. Nurturing Touch: Engaging in gentle, non-sexual touch such as holding hands, hugging, or stroking hair to maintain a sense of closeness. We’re always so keen to chase the orgasm and once it’s over we forget that it’s not the end game. Foreplay starts immediately after the last encounter. Foreplay is very seldom sexual. Aftercare will give you many brownie points for next time.
7. Addressing Concerns: Taking the time to address any concerns or discomforts that may have occurred during the sexual activity. Can something be done better? Did something you agreed to feel so bad that you don’t want to do it again? Did it feel so good that you want to do it again and again?
If you tweak something maybe it will be even better next time. Now is the time to be honest.
Aftercare can also be reflecting on the experience together. Don’t forget to laugh. This could take the form of pillow talk.
Do you remember in the early days when you could talk forever? Don’t stop. Don’t be embarrassed to talk about sex. Was it good? If it was, say thank you.
It may also be worth checking in with each other the next day. Via text works well. If you’re not sure how your partner likes to decompress after a play, ask.
Some of us like to decompress alone and some get clingy. Don’t be caught off guard and don’t forget to share your preferences. Sex is a team sport after all.
If this is a casual relationship, request clarity on the timing for a next play date. Manage expectations. If this was a one-time thing – be upfront before the experience. Sexual aftercare can help ensure that both partners feel valued, understood, and cared for, which is essential for maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship. Try it, you’ll be surprised.
Saturday Star