Good girls were once taught to never divulge the number of sex partners they had had.
Bad boys were taught to boast about their conquests and were cheered on for higher numbers.
But somewhere along the line a balance has been found on the gender scales.
Feminists taught us that what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. And soon women were openly discussing their own conquests – albeit with a pinch of omission.
“It amazes me how women still wish they had slept with fewer men while for men the opposite is still true,” says relationships counsellor Rene Rossou.
“It’s as if women are still sworn to the secrecy of numbers even though we all know women are having just as much fun in the prowling business.”
But judging by women’s growing demand for better sex, it is evident that women are bed-hopping and scoring their men and making comparisons all the way.
The phenomenon of television shows such as Sex and the City, the Durex annual sex survey, the invention of women’s sex toys and the female condom are proof that women are having a blast on that front. “How would you ever know you have the best thing if you have nothing to compare it with?” asks Olivia Majongosi, 32.
“And let me tell you what I know. Most women would have loved to marry their first boyfriend but men with their wicked ways have made sure that we are disposed of, once they’ve had their way. They are to blame for women they now call whores.”
Yes, women of a certain history and type are often called whores and although men are called many things, there is never criticism for their whoring ways. For that there are such cute names as stud, stallion and player. They are names that affirm society’s condoning of men’s promiscuous behaviour.
The socio-economic reasons come into play. In the black communities, the ilobolo issue also plays havoc with relationships. Most men simply cannot afford to pay ilobolo when they first start dating so they indulge in sex and cannot honour their women by marrying them.
“And you have to understand that women are made differently. We want to know that the relationship is going somewhere and once we realise it’s not, then we might as well be having better sex with someone else, that’s how women move on and pile on what men call the mileage,” says Rossou.
“If I had married my first boyfriend, I would have died by now. He would have made my sex life miserable and I think he would have driven me to the next man and then the next and so forth,” says Majongosi.
“And I would have found out because television is awash with sexual revolutionary shows like Sex Tips For Girls, and besides, my sisters and I speak openly about sex.”
This should be devastating for men who think marrying a virgin eliminates the comparison factor. “Just how much detail is unpacked when you women talk about these things?” asks Bandile Kweyama, 37, a teacher.
“Most of us really think if we take an innocent girl from church, we have secured and locked the curiosity thing. Men never talk about such things. But that said, I would never want to know how many men have slept with my girl. And I think anyone who wants to know is asking for stress.”
Stress or not, women automatically know that their men have slept with more but women don’t lose sleep over the number as long as the man has always practised safe sex. “I only tend to worry about men who have kids all over the place because to me that is proof that the man does not use condoms and that’s such a turn-off,” says Katherine Naudé, 35, a nurse.
“You see the problem with women who have had too many sex partners is, you might be walking around, claiming her to be your chosen one, meanwhile other guys who have had her before you, could be looking on thinking: ‘I was there before you’. Okay, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s what we think and base our judgement on,” says Sthenjwa Nene, 34, a flight attendant.
“Men are not nice to others about such things. Some will come right up to you and tell you matter-of-factly that you are having his left-overs. How many men can you have looking at you that way?”
While most women claim 10 is the limit, others argue that it depends on factors like age, marital status, one’s looks and dating history. “I think that a well-educated, well-travelled no-nonsense woman who has a healthy social life and did not marry the first man she slept with, should have slept with about 12 men – above that I think it’s too much,” says Moroesi Ngakane, 27, travel agent.
Zimaza Booi, 44, a single mother-of-three says 20 men for one woman is a healthy number while 30 women for one man makes sense. “These things go with each person’s circumstances and personality,” says Rossou. “I know of a patient of mine who only lost his virginity at the age of 30 and feels like he will never catch up. This should not be a problem because he has been a born-again Christian since he was in his teens.
“But his problem is clearly deeper rooted than that. Others have more because they couldn’t say no to the number of admirers, others were testing the waters or even dating below their league.”
But no one ever complains about the number of friends one has, nor says you have too many. And every relationship has that factor about it.
You meet someone, you share a good rapport, you befriend them and, somewhere along the way, things don’t work out and the friendship dissolves. Soon you are on your 15th friendship while you have five active others. “The problem here is that sex carries the moral, hygiene and reputation factors,” warns Rossou.
“You can’t be sleeping with people all over the place and not expect that to catch up with you. People have to remember that with every delightful thing, comes responsibility.” - Sunday Independent