QUESTION: I have been with my partner for two years and we are talking about getting married. But he says he won’t commit himself to me (or anyone) unless there’s a firm deal in place about how often we make love. His marriage and last relationship ended because both women lost interest in sex. He says he wants an undertaking that we would have sex at least twice a week, unless one of us is ill or away. I hate the idea of sex becoming a duty rather than a pleasure. Shouldn’t love be unconditional?
ANSWER: Well, this gives a new twist to the concept of a pre-nup. I suppose you could take it as a compliment that your partner is obsessed with your body, not your finances. However, I agree that there’s precious little that’s romantic about a sex schedule.
It’s very daunting to say that you’ll be up for sex twice a week, whatever happens, even if you are feeling depressed, or menopausal, or pregnant or exhausted.
And no individual can guarantee how they will feel about making love five years in the future, let alone ten or 20.
Indeed, why not ask your man how he would feel if his flag was at half-mast and you promptly dropped him. The truth is that you could make a deal on regular sex with the best of intentions and still find that circumstances change and you can’t fulfil the terms of that agreement.
Your partner must know this sex pact is unenforceable.
It seems to me this stipulation is really a statement of intent.
He has had the painful experience of having two serious relationships in which the women he loved stopped wanting sex with him and he understandably wants to try to ensure this does not happen again.
It’s important to remember that when people talk of “losing interest” in sex, what they also mean is that they have ceased to desire their other half. This can prove devastating for the person rejected. There is no lonelier sensation than craving physical contact with the person lying next to you and knowing that they feel no such longing.
What I am saying is that you need to be compassionate about your partner’s need for reassurance. On the face of it, he’s being unreasonable, but when you look at his romantic history you can understand why he would make such a demand.
Where your boyfriend is right - even if he’s being heavy-handed about it - is that it’s good to discuss your sex life before you tie the knot to make sure you are on the same page. If one spouse prioritises daily love-making and the other thinks it’s fine to have sex once a month, then they are bound to run into serious difficulties.
Neither stance is inherently right or wrong, but it’s best to try to ensure you are vaguely compatible.
So what you need to do here is to ask yourself: “Am I a twice-a-week woman?” If the answer is “yes” then, Bingo, you’re sorted!
Don’t waste time feeling hurt because your man has been unromantic. Just reassure him that you think his notion of sexual frequency is entirely reasonable. That’s all he wants to hear, after all.
You could perhaps add that you don’t want sex to be so tightly scheduled that it becomes a Wednesday and Saturday routine, with no room for spontaneity.
The tricky issue here is what you do if you think twice-weekly love-making sounds way too arduous. Are you someone who would happily swap a bout of sex for a cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV?
Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it would be mistake not to be honest if that is the case. You must understand how important this is to your partner and that, if you truly love him, you owe him your honesty. It’s no good imagining that major differences in libido can somehow magically be resolved after a marriage ceremony.
It doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. But discussing differences now allows you to tackle them, rather than leaving them unresolved until you find yourself in front of a divorce lawyer.
In fact, most of the couples I know with sex schedules only have such pacts because they underwent relationship counselling to avoid divorce. In other words, they were sorting something out ten years into their marriage which you two could settle before you tie the knot.
Do remember that regular sex is an important part of the marital glue that bonds couples. It is also true that studies show many women are initially reluctant to respond to their partner’s sexual advances.
However, if they decide to comply for their spouse’s benefit, they often report they began to feel turned on and achieved an orgasm. Crucially, they also felt far happier for having had sex. Indeed, as a long-married friend once told me: “Sex is like exercise. You’ll make any excuse not to do it, but feel ten times better when you’ve done it.” - Daily Mail