QUESTION: I have a very large bust and am paranoid that men are more interested in my chest than my personality. When my marriage broke up, my ex said he hated the way I wore shapeless clothes and was embarrassed about my shape. I have been with my current partner for nine months (we teach at the same school) and he’s a lovely, funny man, but even he seems obsessed with my cleavage. He’s always going on about my breasts, and in bed he practically worships them, while I wish he concentrated his attention elsewhere. I have talked about getting a breast reduction, but he pleaded with me not to. What should I do?
ANSWER: Sometimes, I feel like I scarcely know a woman who is happy with her breast size or shape. For every friend who thinks her bosom is too large, there’s one who bemoans her small cup size.
I feel sympathy for women who say that men speak straight to their cleavage, but I am even more sorry for the old friend who was slipped a note on her first day in the sixth form of a co-ed public school that simply read “flat”.
Somehow, breasts are under intense public scrutiny in a way that no part of the male anatomy ever seems to be. Men often feel anxious about the size of their member, but they can generally confine the secret of their dimensions to those who share their bed. And most women aren’t given to staring at men’s groins. Few men (with the exception of Linford Christie and his “lunchbox”) know what it’s like to be objectified in that manner.
Men tend to think breasts are such a great invention, whatever way they come, and it can be hard for them to appreciate how self-conscious women can feel about their chests. You may think a man is being rude by ogling your bust, while he may feel he’s lavishing you with compliments. The whole area is a bit of a minefield, if you ask me.
Clearly your sensitivity has been blighting your life, to the point it’s helped destroy your marriage and threatens your new relationship. But I would consider breast reduction only as a last resort, unless your chest is causing back pain or significant health problems. Reduction involves major surgery and scarring, and your nipples will have to be re-positioned, leading to loss of sensitivity and inability to breastfeed.
Nor will surgery automatically deal with any issues of low self-esteem; journalist Liz Jones has described in these pages how her breast reduction did not make her less self-conscious about her appearance.
You need to come to terms with your generous bosom and your boyfriend’s appreciation of it. It sounds to me as if you’re letting your present relationship be haunted by the past. I am sure there were times in your youth when a boyfriend couldn’t see beyond your cleavage, but men are seldom so shallow in middle age.
Do you really need to feel your man treasures your breasts over your personality? Can’t he be permitted to love both?
Also, isn’t it true that we all have our prejudices when it comes to our partner’s appearance? Quite a number of the women I know like burly, tall men, with good muscle definition. Are such preferences any less sexist than those held by the many men who like curvy women - or willowy ones, come to that?
And biologists tell us men are programmed to be attracted to women with curvy bosoms and bottoms because, on an atavistic level, they suggest fertility.
In our post-feminist society, where gender equality is the mantra, many women have become uncomfortable with overt admiration of their bodies. But I sometimes wonder if we have become over-sensitive. Might we not be better following the example of Latino women, who seem to thrive on such male admiration?
If your partner is as lovely as you say, then I imagine his lavish compliments are aimed at bolstering your self-image. He probably thinks - as your husband clearly did - that your figure is wonderful and shouldn’t be hidden.
As for worshipping your chest in bed, again, isn’t it a positive thing that he’s so attracted to you? Much of my postbag is full of sad letters from women who feel they have become undesirable to their partners.
Having said that, you can gently tell your partner that you find it disconcerting to have quite so much attention lavished on your chest, as there are other lovely parts of your body. Perhaps joke that he might find it disconcerting if you devoted all your attention to his pecs and never looked at his groin. He’s probably never considered how it feels to be in the skin of a busty woman.
I don’t think you should take your man’s plea not to have a breast reduction as proof of crazed possessiveness over your cleavage. My husband would be equally appalled if I said I wanted a facelift. Is it not possible that your partner loves you just the way you are? And - if that’s true - can’t you learn to love your shape too? - Daily Mail