Question: My partner was in a long, sexless marriage before we met. Now he’s keen to make up for lost time and wants to try everything. I enjoyed having an adventurous lover when we first got together, but I’m getting tired of his passion for new positions and games. I just want to relax and make love face to face. Is it tactless to tell him?
ANSWER: Oh, golly, this is a bit like the birthday present dilemma - the early days of a relationship when your man makes a huge effort to buy you an imaginative and thoughtful gift, and it’s the wrong thing.
It’s hard to know how to respond. If you’re totally honest, you may crush his spirit and ensure all future anniversaries are marked with garage flowers. Respond too enthusiastically and you’ll be living a lie that will gradually wear you down.
Good sex is all about a delicate balance of two people’s needs and the important thing to remember here is that neither of you is in the wrong. Your partner must feel like a 20-something buck at the moment, finally enjoying the freedom to celebrate passion with someone who returns his feelings.
It’s a bit like a shopper who’s used to a one-tin grocer’s store in a former Communist state walking into the Harrod’s Food Hall with a blank cheque.
He’s giddy with excitement and you need to help him re-orientate without killing off the joy.
Meanwhile, you need to be honest with yourself. If you’re used to more reticent lovers, then you might have been prised out of your sexual comfort zone. Might the new bed regime actually be good for you?
Having said that, most of us don’t want to go swinging from the chandeliers every time we trip the light fantastic.
The increasing availability of pornography puts pressure on people to think exhausting, multi-positional, caterwauling sex is the norm, when it’s the emotion between two people that makes lovemaking what it is, not their mastery of the Kama Sutra.
Your case calls for diplomacy and tact. Your partner’s confidence must have been severely dented over the years of his sexless marriage and, despite his current bravado, could easily be undermined again.
You don’t want him to become so crushed that he becomes a listless and uninventive lover. Gently remind him that changes of pace are necessary in most walks of life: the intimacy of a slow dance is most appreciated after the joyful frenzy of a jive.
Why not use the rigours of the working week as an excuse to vary the pace and vigour of your love life? You could say that on weekdays you lack energy and need lovemaking to be relaxing and happily predictable. At weekends, however, you have the stamina for inventive sex.
Explain your favourite methods of foreplay so he understands that prolonged eye contact, slow movements and face-to-face sex can be more intense than more baroque manoeuvres.
It’s possible he’s anxious about being an inexperienced lover because of the lack of sex in his marriage and would be happy to hear he can chill out. - Daily Mail