QUESTION: My husband and I have an ongoing row about lighting when we have sex. He wants the lights on and says he loves looking at my body, but I hate having my naked flesh exposed in that way (especially after three children and a lapsed gym membership).
I also find it hard to lose myself and fantasise if the lighting’s too bright. Staring at the white folds of my husband’s growing belly isn’t the biggest turn-on in the world, much as I love him.
Isn't there a good reason why we tend to make love under cover of darkness?
ANSWER: I must say, rare is the day when a middle-aged man says: “I keep begging my missus to turn the lights off, but she just wants to gaze at my naked masculine beauty.”
Somehow this argument frequently seems to align itself along a gender divide. Men appear to be more often turned on than women by the simple act of staring at their lover’s body.
That’s not to say women aren’t aroused by their partner’s physique but, as the years pass, the emotional connection of intense eye contact often has greater value than a simple “phwoar!” at their man’s abs.
Then there’s the fact that women often feel less secure about their bodies than men; because they don’t love their own shape, they find it hard to believe their partner does.
It is almost impossible for a woman with poor body image to feel sexy and uninhibited in bed if she feels her form is under floodlit scrutiny.
Naturally, that can be hard for a man to understand, as he will feel his admiration should give her confidence. And there’s a danger that, in hiding her figure and deeming herself unlovely, a woman can erode her partner’s desire.
As any psychologist will tell you, it’s hard to love people who have no love for themselves.
The first thing I would say about your particular case is: rejoice in the fact you have a spouse who adores your body after long years together and three children!
You may be vexed by his adoring gaze, but imagine how you’d feel if he regarded your tummy with the disdain you direct at his.
I am certainly not saying you should lie back and think of England under a bright neon gaze, but it shouldn’t be hard to come to a compromise (which is what marriage is all about, after all).
Why don’t you simply suggest you alternate lit lovemaking sessions with darkened ones? Then you should experiment with different levels of lighting, to see if you can find a mode that’s acceptable to you both.
Many shy women who hate electric beams find themselves emancipated by the flattering glow of candlelight. Log fires are highly erotic, too, and great for those of us who feel the cold.
There’s a hypnotic quality to the flicker of live flames, which helps dispel lingering feelings of embarrassment.
One woman I know, who put on three stone after the birth of her children, states she only makes love by candlelight nowadays.
She says: “I can see my curves look sexy in that soft light and it increases the sense of intimacy.”
You write about how hard it is to fantasise when the bedroom lights are on, but have you noticed that candles can actually aid the imagination and lend a dream-like quality to everyday surroundings?
On a more pragmatic note, you might find it handy to put lower-watt bulbs in your lamps and make sure they have shades in warm tones that soften light.
One friend of mine swears by the jewel-coloured fairy lights she has threaded through the bars of her brass bed.
She says: “They give a very flattering light and make the room look magical - and I don’t have to fret about them setting my hair alight!”
My other top tip for lit-up lovemaking is lingerie. A short, elegant silk slip is as great a visual aphrodisiac for most men as your naked body - but it eliminates all fears of your stomach rippling into a zillion little folds.
I don’t mean to be too prescriptive. There’s no need to be a surrendered wife, just show a little kindness in relation to your husband’s desires and he will return that generosity.
Bear in mind that variety and innovation are key to maintaining a lively sex life. Having said that, there’s certainly nothing wrong with making love in the dark. Who wouldn’t admit there’s great erotic pleasure in feeling your way?
Some sensations are heightened when you’re denied visual stimuli and there’s a glorious tenderness to the cosy, spooning marital sex that happens after lights out.
However, I’m worried you may be dodging the light as a way of avoiding true intimacy. Do you find it hard to look your husband in the eye when you make love? Might you use the cover of darkness to fantasise about other men?
It seems to me you need to shine light on your true motivation as well as your lovemaking. - Daily Mail