London - Is it better for your relationship to have sex out of guilt than not at all? Yes, but you’ll still upset your partner.
It is the age-old bedroom dilemma: do you get down to it, get it over with or simply not bother?
Canadian researchers say it’s not as black and white as whether you indulge or not – and the ultimate reason you decide to have sex could heavily influence how happy your relationship is.
They say in most cases, it’s better to have sex than to avoid it – even if you’re not really in the mood.
That’s because according to new research, we’re happier in our relationships on the days we have sex.
But, more than that, there are two main reasons why couples in a long-term relationship or marriage have sex, the Wall Street Journal reports.
“One thing we wanted to know is whether it really matters to your partner why you want to have sex, as long as they are getting what they want,” said Dr Amy Muise, a psychologist at the University of Toronto.
One is positive (an “approach” goal) – such as to feel closer to a partner. The other is negative (an “avoidance” goal) – basically to avoid an argument or reduce feelings of guilt.
The categories are then subdivided again into self-focused or partner-focused approaches, said Muise.
Muise and her team asked 108 couples to keep diaries, charting daily their levels of desire and sexual satisfaction.
They also had to list the reasons why they had sex over a two-week period.
After they had sex, each partner answered a questionnaire about their motives – which included “to make myself feel better” because they wanted to prevent their partner from feeling rejected and upset.
Each was rated on a sliding scale of importance.
The researchers found that when sex is wanted for a positive reason – such as to increase intimacy – then we feel happier and more satisfied in the relationship, and this transfers to our partners, increasing their satisfaction, too.
But having sex out of guilt doesn’t bring as much sexual satisfaction – and even if you think you’re doing your partner a favour, your level of desire will affect how much they enjoy it – and how happy they are in the relationship.
And contrary to what some people might think, men have guilt sex too.
“Men do have higher desire in general, but the motives for sex and the way they make people feel aren’t different for men and women,” Muise said.
The research is published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. – Daily Mail