QUESTION: When I was 20 I had a brief fling with an older lover who would massage my feet, neck and ears before sex. He was my first love, and two decades on, no other lover has turned me on or touched me so exquisitely. My current partner gets grumpy when I talk about it and says: “Massage isn’t my thing.” Should I give up on my quest?
ANSWER: As I grow older, I’ve begun to believe it might be something of a blessing if your first lover isn’t all that accomplished. I don’t mean that you want them to be hopeless in bed - merely you might wish there’s some space for improvement, so your love life can blossom with the passing of the years.
Nobody in their prime wants to keep on harking back to a golden age of passion long disappeared.
But you’re hardly the first person to talk yearningly of your first love. Quite a few people appear to deify their first sexual partner, leaving them unable to move beyond that experience in any useful fashion.
Some people fetishise the past to the point that the present day can never match up. These nostalgic types hide in bygone years because it’s simpler than participating fully in the here and now.
I would advise you to take a less rose-tinted view of this long-gone relationship. I am sure the sex was intense and passionate - but wasn’t that because you had never experienced anything of this nature before? This lover was older and more experienced than you, so you probably invested him with a near-occult degree of sexual sophistication.
If you met this man today, you would almost certainly find he no longer seemed so superior or accomplished. Indeed, had you stayed with him, you might have found that over time he became less altruistic in bed.
It’s the fact this relationship was short-lived and ended before you’d become complacent that keeps it enshrined in your memory.
I suspect your current lover’s grumpiness about massage stems from your glorification of a former hands-on suitor. You can’t force new relationships into the moulds of the past. It is best to start anew with each lover and discover what fresh joys you can bring to one another.
Most of us find that while you may enjoy certain forms of stimulation with one partner, it doesn’t necessarily follow you’ll relish them with another.
The fine art of massage isn’t a skill everyone acquires. You have to have the knack for it, with sensitive hands that feel people’s knots and tender points. Perhaps your current partner has other erotic skills you’re overlooking.
If massage and sensual touch truly are key for you, then I’d suggest you investigate the ancient art of Tantra, which places emphasis on tactility and refined caressing. If you can persuade your boyfriend to sign up with you, so much the better.
Above all, I would suggest you change your philosophical approach to sex. For years your love life has revolved around the twin questions: “What can my partner give to me?” and “How is he short-changing me?”
If you ask what you can do for him, and praise him for the ways in which he meets your needs, then you create a more fertile environment for change. Generous people are met with generosity. - Daily Mail