QUESTION: I was married for 22 years before my husband cheated on me and left. I have found it almost impossible to start dating again. I simply don’t feel sexy. When I look in the mirror, I see a 54-year-old woman with a saggy body and no allure. My friends say things will improve, but is it more realistic to reconcile myself to a chaste life?
ANSWER: I have no idea what you look like, but I can tell you one thing for certain: if you see an undesirable woman when you look in the mirror, that’s what other people will see in you.
Allure has little to do with an unlined face or taut body, but correlates to the self-image we project to the world. The message you are beaming to every man you meet is: “Don’t look at me — I am undesirable!”
You are choosing chastity, rather than being driven into it. If you don’t believe me, look around you at young women with peachy skin and trim figures who wail they can’t attract a boyfriend.
In almost every instance, the poor girl is crippled by self-doubt, bad posture and an inability to meet a stranger’s eye.
Look at unconventional beauties, such as Adele, Ronni Ancona, Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson. None has the classic good looks of Keira Knightley, but all have undeniable sexual charisma.
I understand you can’t simply renew your self-confidence overnight. Anyone would feel as if they had been flattened by a juggernaut if their partner of many years betrayed them.
Terrible grief tends to settle on your shoulders like clouds on a mountain and strangers steer clear until the weather improves.
You need to take time out to come to terms with what has happened and move on. Don’t fret about dating until you feel you have restored some sense of self.
So, how do you put some vim back in your life? I feel a great part of my sense of self-worth comes from my female friends, who are always supportive in a crisis. My top tip to help you perk yourself up may sound a little odd, but trust me it works.
Stand in front of a mirror and take pictures of yourself, clothed and unclothed. Many people suffer from such profound body image dysfunction that they can see only a distorted reflection.
Curiously, that negative filter seems to disappear when you look at photos and most of us see something better than we expected (but remember to delete the naked shots from your camera!)
Most men are kind about women’s body imperfections. They tend to think a sexy woman is one who looks as if she would enjoy herself in bed, rather than a beauty whose greatest pleasures are yoga and lettuce.
This helps explain why so many men I know have said they understand why Prince Charles chose Camilla Parker Bowles over Princess Diana. Camilla may have crows’ feet, but she has the twinkle of a woman who knows how to have a cracking good time.
Helen Mirren is another woman whose spark is still palpable in late middle age. You are younger than both and if you can only recapture your zest for life, you could easily achieve some of their radiance.
When people emit joy, they swiftly attract admirers. - Daily Mail