When we enter into a committed relationship, the natural progression of the relationship often involves moving in together or getting married and sharing a home.
But for a growing number of couples, living apart together is way more romantic than sharing a bedroom, a bathroom, and a permanent address.
Sana Akhand, a woman whose video on living separately from her husband in New York City went viral on TikTok, said it's worked wonders for their relationship.
In the video, Akhand said: "We lived together for six-and-a-half years before deciding to make our own rules and do what works best for us and our love story."
This opened up a conversation about this living arrangement as many flooded the comment section with curiosity.
@sanaakhand This is your sign to make your own rules 🖤
♬ Spell to attract the right folk friends and loves - West Oxking
In an interview, Akhand told Insider she got married to her husband Adnan in their twenties, nearly seven years ago, due to family pressure. "From the moment we had our first kiss to the moment we were married, it was a year and three months,"
Akhand, who is South Asian, said: "In our culture, if you're out of college, the next step is marriage."
She said at that time she had decided she wanted to focus on her career, and they had found themselves in traditional husband and wife roles neither of them wanted
"He had financial burdens on him. I also was like, 'I'm not contributing equally financially, so let me step into the wife duties of taking care of the house,'" she said.
With Covid-19 lockdowns and spending more time in one place, Akhand said she felt the need for space increased.
Her husband suggested that they try just dating again, she told Insider.
Now, they live 15 minutes away from each other, their finances are completely separate, they see each other a couple of days a week for romantic date nights and sleepovers, and are focused on building their individual careers.
"When we're about to see each other after a long day of work, we're so excited to see each other," she said. "Before, it was like, 'I had a bad day, leave me alone.'"
Couples decide to live separately for different reasons, whether it’s because they love their solitude and space, they have to be in different locations for work or financial reasons, or because they feel like not being together constantly actually strengthens their bond.
For some people, then, choosing to live apart is not about finding a new or better form of intimacy. Rather living apart is a reaction to vulnerability, anxiety, even fear – it offers protection.
The Conversation notes that living apart together supposedly gives people all the advantages of autonomy – doing what you want in your own space, maintaining pre-existing local arrangements and friendships – as well as the pleasures of intimacy with a partner. Some even see it as “subverting gendered norms” – or at least that women can escape traditional divisions of labour.
But a 2015 study on Women's Agency in Living Apart Together: Constraint, Strategy and Vulnerability shows a darker motivation – people can end up living apart because they feel anxious, vulnerable, even fearful about living with a partner. And, despite living apart together, women still often continue to perform traditional roles.
While some who live apart have long distance relationships, most live near one another, even in the same street, and are together much of the time. Nearly all are in constant contact through text, Facebook, Facetime and other messaging platforms. And virtually all expect monogamous fidelity.
It may seem like an ideal thing to do for many couples. Brides, an online hub that focuses on equipping those who are ready to say I do, says there are disadvantages to the arrangement, too.
“If there are any insecurities in the relationship, jealousy can come into play if one or both partners feels like they’re being ignored or if they worry about where their spouse is and what they’re doing.
“There’s also the possibility that you’ll grow apart and seek out a new love who lives closer to home,
“Be clear about why you want to live apart and make sure one partner isn’t agreeing just to please the other. The question becomes whether you are strong enough in your commitment to your relationship to withstand living in separate households,” they advise.