Advice by Elaine Welteroth
Question: I am in a long-distance marriage, which has worked okay for the past several years.
However, as I am getting ready to retire, the thought of moving with her permanently and giving up my home is becoming increasingly repulsive to me.
She lives on a farm on the West Coast (US); I live in a large city on the East Coast. Over the years, it has become painfully obvious to me that I have nothing in common with the people where she lives, nor the desire any longer to live in such a rural area.
As much as I love her and her family, I cannot bring myself to make this change, and she won’t move to my area because her entire family is near where she lives, and her parents are quite elderly.
People change. What I once thought was a dream retirement situation has turned into a nightmare.
For perspective, during the Black Lives Matter protests in 2020, the entire town near her turned out with guns and Confederate flags.
My dream is to travel the world and be a “digital nomad”, living off my pension and enjoying a stress-free life.
Usually, divorce is an option for those who have committed some breach or no longer care for one another.
However, neither is the case here, so I am wondering if there is some other way of just changing the future trajectory.
- Wondering
Answer: I have read the question multiple times and I keep coming back to the word “repulsive“.
Perhaps it was just a dramatic word choice. But if the thought of living with your long-time spouse repulses you, it's safe to say this is a red flag.
Our bodies hold so much wisdom – even beyond that of our rational, analytical minds. Ignoring the strong physical impulse that is rejecting the move would be willingly signing up for misery. I would never advise that.
But divorce isn’t the only other option. Think of your unease as an important indicator, like a “check engine” sign in a car, that this life transition is giving you both an invitation to examine what’s under the hood of your relationship.
What’s at the root of your inner conflict? Is it really just about the surroundings and the people there? Or is it the thought of permanent togetherness, especially after so many years apart?
Start by teasing this out, because these are two issues. Cohabiting in an environment that is ill-suited to you is one thing; cohabiting with someone you’ve outgrown is another.
Is there something misaligned in your marriage that the distance has allowed you both to avoid? What would living together in close quarters (anywhere) expose?
You don’t need me to tell you it’s okay to want different things. Or that it’s okay to define marriage on your own terms.
You have been doing that for years. But as you said, “people change”. Let’s explore the possibility that perhaps you’ve gone from two compatible people living two incompatible lives to two incompatible people.
You say: “It has become painfully obvious to me that I have nothing in common with the people where she lives.” But I'm curious how much you and your wife have in common these days.
Your reaction to where your wife lives raises concern about some potentially core ways in which you two may have grown apart, too.
If the culture within your wife’s chosen community is offensive to you, how aligned are you from a values standpoint?
As much as you love one another, the reality is reintegrating your lifestyles may not work for either of you at this stage.
You seem to have a clear picture of how you want to spend your retirement. What’s stopping you from pursuing that dream independent of your wife and maintaining the long-distance relationship you’ve had for years?
Why can’t you continue living wherever you both want to live and keep the unconventional marriage going? What is dictating this decision to reintegrate your lives at this stage?
Take one big lifestyle change at a time. You don’t need to suddenly figure out a new model of marriage just because you’re retiring.
Especially if the traditional live-in model has never worked for you two. If you both can afford to live alone and on your own terms while continuing your marriage, that seems like the best option.
Retirement may feel like an important inflection point that is accelerating other life decisions, but tackling them at once may conflate issues.
Marriage is about the needs and desires of two people. What does your wife want in this next stage of married life?
How much have you discussed what each of you want? Is she willing to continue living apart for now and then potentially join your nomadic adventures after she’s done caring for her elderly parents?
I’m a hopeless romantic and love to see two people who love each other make it work - even if it's against the odds.
But ultimately, marriage is about compromise. If there are compromises you’re both unwilling to make, you need to communicate that honestly and prepare for the possibility that this may end in you going your own way.
Elaine Welteroth is an award-winning journalist, a TV host, the former editor in chief of Teen Vogue and an author.