QUESTION: My in-laws came to stay at my house over Thanksgiving.
My husband and I do not have children. Although I cannot imagine having three children all the time, the whole visit was (and is always) frustrating for me.
At the end of the visit, my niece (seven, the oldest of the three staying with us) told my husband that $10 (about R100) was not enough money for Christmas and she wanted more. When asked why she wants more money, she said she deserves it.
I was shocked, especially because a present is a gift, not a right. In all the years we've been sending this family gifts for Christmas, we have never once received a thank-you note from any of the kids.
I'm considering calling my sister-in-law and telling her we are not sending Christmas gifts to any of the kids. My husband doesn't care either way, but he agrees that a child asking for more money is rude and ungrateful. I don't care about the money so much as the principle of gratitude, which clearly has not been taught.
I was raised so differently - thank-you notes were a requirement before we were allowed to spend any gift money. Even before I was old enough to write a note, I would draw a picture and send it. What is the best way to handle this situation?
ANSWER: There is nothing like the holiday season to bring out people's absolute best and most giving nature. It can also bring out the worst in people. The holidays have a way of exposing and highlighting expectations and hopes in a way that leaves people feeling confused, angry and extremely frustrated. We have that going on here in this unpleasant scenario.
Let's unpack the issues: We have three young children who do not show thanks for the gifts they have received. We have the cheeky seven-year-old who asked for more money because “she deserves it,” and we have a history of zero thank-you letters. You are hurt and sick of it and are considering calling the sister-in-law (an act of war, for sure) to inform her you will no longer send gifts.
From the children's point of view, let me defend them. Yes, the seven-year-old was sassy and sounded bratty, but you missed a beautiful opportunity to begin an interesting discussion. A seven-year-old is on the brink of understanding her mind and close to demonstrating maturity. It could have been fruitful to ask, “Tell me, what do you think makes someone deserving?” This is not asked to provoke an argument but instead to investigate what is happening in her mind. What you may have discovered is that she actually doesn't understand “deserving.” She wants more because more feels good and, true, maybe her parents are not saying “no” enough. But you could have come away with empathy for her and perhaps even had a surprising exchange about the concept of earning a reward, what gifts are and why people may or may not deserve things. All of these issues are gray, morally speaking, and I love seeing seven-year-olds grapple with such concepts. They can have some pretty cool ideas.
But it is also pretty normal for children this age to be myopic. They can definitely be sensitive to others' needs and feelings, but that sensitivity can quickly disappear. Younger children, developmentally speaking, are less likely to express genuine gratitude. They can mimic “thank yous” (and I don't think there is anything wrong with that, per se), but there is rarely earnestness behind it because of the immaturity of their brains.
Do I think her parents are raising the children to be ultra-thoughtful? I don't know. It doesn't bode well that the eldest put out her palm for more money, but I have seen the kindest children who have the most gracious parents say and do some pretty ill-mannered things. We all have and we can't be judged solely for our worst moments; we would all come out pretty ugly. So, let's give the kids a break. For now.
I think you are genuinely angry with and hurt by your in-laws. You were raised to write letters of thanks and demonstrate appreciation. And, in a show of excellent parenting, your parents had you “practicing” this before you even felt the real feelings of gratitude. Your parents did you a wonderful service. They helped instill a habit of thanking others; it is gracious, kind and important.
That being said, you have to make some key decisions. If you decide to call your sister-in-law and tell her you are no longer sending gifts because she and her children are selfish, you have to be prepared for a fight - and family war. I cannot fathom how she will not take this personally and, hence, defensively. I strongly advise against this tactic. Blowing up a family over Christmas gifts and forced gratitude will become something you regret for years to come. Don't do it.
Here are other options to consider:
* Donate a sum of money in each of the children's names to groups that your in-laws or children love. For instance, if the seven-year-old loves animals, make a donation to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in her name. If the four-year-old loves firetrucks, make a donation to your local fire station. This way, you are giving back to society and will probably feel less worried about receiving thanks. Do this for your in-laws, too, and simply announce that, with how wild the world is feeling, this is what you wanted to do this year. The kids will think this is crappy, but oh well.
* Give them the gift of time. With three children, I am guessing those children would love to go to a movie alone with their aunt. You can create a little certificate of overnights or movie nights or whatever you like. Make it fun.
* Last, give gifts with no expectations attached. This to me is the most mature act. Do not blame the children and do not take it personally if they act spoiled. Give the gifts, kiss them, smile and expect nothing. And to add to this maturity, find empathy for the mother. Maybe she is completely overwhelmed. Maybe she is battling health issues you don't know about. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe a big family has thrown her for a loop. Or maybe she is an ill-mannered brute. But she's family, and you should rise above it. In full disclosure, I love a good thank-you, but having a third child plus starting a business has reduced my notes to rushed emails. I am not proud of this, but the people who love me get it. Offer her your empathy. If you cannot go that far, offer her your lack of judgment.
Washington Post