QUESTION: I know you’ve answered this question tons of times, but my three-year-old is deep in the terrible threes.
He opposes whatever we attempt to get him to do (such as taking baths or getting dressed). When I give in and say, “Fine, no bath tonight”, he screams that he wants a bath. What am I doing wrong?
ANSWER: You are not doing anything wrong. You are getting yanked around by a 3-year-old, and you are not the only one. Almost every parent I know will tell stories of how their 3-year-old children resisted baths, meals, bedtime, morning routines, you name it. At this age, children are known for being as maddening as they are cute. Let’s take a better look at it.
If a human is developing normally (that is to say they feel safe and loved), they come out of the womb pretty darn needy. Babies cannot do anything for themselves, and the parents are called into duty from the get-go.
As babies become toddlers, you begin to see emerging independence. They crawl away and then come right back. As they learn to walk, their excitement gives way to despair if they are too far from Mom. The rubber band of attachment is stretching further. The safer that children feel with their caregivers, the further they can wander.
As toddlers turn into pre-schoolers, you see the swinging of the immature mind day in and day out. One minute, they are cuddly and agreeable and in love with you, and the next minute, you are at war. They share opinions you never knew about and have likes and dislikes that appear to come out of nowhere. They seem to disagree based on nothing more than principle, and this is where parents get stuck.
All of the pushback and drama is 100 percent normal (and annoying). It is when we label it as “misbehaviour” that we get into some real trouble. We become reactive parents and the timeouts and punishments begin. We take away TV, reading time at night, toys, desserts and trips to the park. We threaten and raise our voices. We bribe and then resent the child for the bribery.
All the while, the child’s behaviour is not really improving. What a mess.
Let’s stop labelling this pushback as the child being “naughty” or “bad” and instead find another way to cooperate.
One of the easiest ways I have found to get a three-year-old to co-operate more is a simple chart.
First, get all of your supplies: a couple of pieces of poster board, markers and coloured pencils, fun stickers, glue sticks, and a camera or smartphone. Next, find a nice and easy Saturday morning (or another hour in which there is easy and sweet time), and gather up your little one. Let the child know you have an important project all about him.
Let him know you are creating a night-time or morning-time chart. You and he are going to decide the three or four activities that need to be completed, and then he is going to demonstrate each activity while you take a picture of him. For instance, take a picture of him taking a bath, brushing his teeth, getting into his PJs and reading a book in bed. It doesn’t matter what your routine is - keep it short and simple. Print the photos and glue them to the poster board in the order they are to be completed. Have your son decorate the chart, and hang it in a place that can be easily accessed when it’s time for the routine.
When the time comes to go to bed or get ready for the day, say with a smile, “Let’s check the chart!” Your son will feel proud and will love seeing it.
And here’s the secret: The co-operation that comes with a chart is a function of how special he feels while you are making it. The smiling and creating, the picture taking and some choices – all of this makes a child feel seen. He feels heard, important and valued. That is the place from which true cooperation springs. Co-operation is a result of feeling safe. It is something that can be taught.
If the child digs in and the chart is a no-go, you need to work on your connection first, and then the chart comes later.
To recap: Know that having a three-year-old is hard, make a visual reminder to help you stop nagging, and enjoy the time you spend with him. Good luck.
Washington Post