My 24-year-old daughter still lives at home with me as she hasn’t yet found a job after graduating from university.
I was made redundant last year and have struggled to find a new job, and my husband is due to retire next month so we’re having to tighten our belts.
It seems only fair my daughter starts to contribute by paying some rent.
However, when I raised the subject with her, she got angry and said some very hurtful things about me not caring about her. She told me that if I was going to force her to pay rent, she may as well go and live with friends.
It isn’t my intention to drive her away but, equally, she does earn a little bit of money from waitressing and bar work so could afford to give us something.
I’m not sure what the etiquette is on charging your grown-up children rent, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. How can I hold my ground without risking a row that will upset everyone?
ANSWER:
I’m so sorry that you’re facing such uncertainty at a time when I’m sure that you were hoping to feel secure.
As a family you’re all dealing with big changes — both your husband’s retirement and your unemployment are very challenging. And your daughter is embarking on the time in her life when she leaves the support of school and college and begins the journey to adulthood.
She’s not quite there yet, though, and I think you need to see her as more your child than a possible tenant.
She has a very special role that no one else could fill and if she can’t be a fully-fledged wageearner yet, she can be a sympathetic ear andan ally.
While you don’t want to protect her from all the realities — and some of the difficulties — of getting older, you don’t want to lose any of the pleasure in having her still at home in arguments and tension. That doesn’t mean you can’t discuss what’s happening with her. She probably didn’t know that you were worried about the future and your finances so telling her without any warning that she needs to contribute to the coffers will have come as a shock. That’s why she reacted as she did.
She’s old enough to understand that you’re under a great deal of stress and that any help she can give would be welcome and essential.
If she does some housework and cooking, for example, it would take the strain off you of trying to do it all.
Open up about what difference your and your husband’s situation is going to make to the family and explain that while you don’t want to stop her fun, her money ought to be managed differently, too.
You could suggest she puts any spare cash into a family fun fund to treat you all to some much-needed relaxation. She’s probably been worrying about you and her father, but won’t be earning enough to make a real difference. I’m sure she’d be relieved to be able to contribute in some way.
If she could (or wanted to) flat-share with friends, I think she’d have moved out by now. The sort of jobs she’s doing won’t go far towards paying proper rent, and there’s a lot to be said for having her parents’ guidance and support on tap while she’s job-hunting.
Equally, now’s the time to be encouraging her to think of a career rather than casual jobs and to give her financial advice. Once she is in full-time employment, you can definitely suggest she pays towards her keep.
If she storms out on bad terms and struggles to make ends meet, you’ll feel even worse. Your family is stronger together.
Daily Mail