QUESTION: This morning, I needed two cookies to get my two-year-old son out of the house to go to daycare.
One cookie was for putting on his coat, and the other one was for getting into the car seat. He often does what he's told, but if you take away something he really likes (an iPad, for example), he has a fit. It's easier to distract him when there are two people, but my wife had to leave early this morning, and the quickest distraction that usually works is cookies.
Am I setting myself up for failure if I “reward” obstinate behaviour with treats?
ANSWER: Are you setting yourself up for failure? That's a pretty big question. What kind of failure? Parenting failure? All-around-life failure? No, I don't believe so. Failure is definitely too strong a word for useful distractions such as cookies.
Are you setting yourself up for some future parenting frustrations? Maybe. Maybe not.
You reference several parenting concepts, some of which are much misunderstood. Bribery, rewards and distractions are worthy of deeper understanding and exploration as to how they affect your child and your parenting life.
So, what is a bribe? And how is it different from a distraction? And how can you use different distractions with your two-year-old?
A bribe is a gift, treat or promise offered to get a person to do what you want him to do. A bribe usually is offered without much forethought in a moment of duress or stress, and often after other requests, threats or begging have failed. For many parents, it is a last-resort option, and bribery has the stink of desperation with an added whiff of resentment (from the parents).
So, what is a distraction? A distraction is something or someone that creates a diversion or interference in focus; a distraction is what pulls your attention from one thing to another. A distraction can be good, such as when you are becoming angry with someone and you decide to take a long walk to shift your focus from the argument. Distraction can also be terrible, such as distracted driving or binge-watching 12 episodes of a TV show to avoid work.
In the case of the two-year-old, what you are calling a distraction I am calling a bribe. Does it matter if they are different? Well, yes.
In the case of a distraction, no tangible reward is usually offered (although it could be argued that my brain is highly rewarded when binge-watching TV), and there is no “if-then” pretext associated with distraction.
And distraction is one of the primary parenting tools used as soon as the baby comes out of the womb.
As soon as you begin parenting the baby, you are using distractions. For instance, the baby will begin to cry, and while he waits for you to feed him, you sing to him, you nuzzle him, you tickle him or you may rock or bounce him. You know instinctually that none of these actions take away hunger; you are just trying to grab a couple of extra seconds to ready the breast or shake the bottle.
You repeat distractions while you change nappies and bathe and dress the baby. Peekaboo, blankies, stuffed animals, silly faces, funny voices, pointing to animals and trees are all beautiful examples of distractions, and almost every parent uses them.
As the brain matures, the child gets wise to the distractions and stops falling for them. We all remember when the “food plane flying into the mouth hangar” at dinnertime stopped working, right? We remember the child sitting there, lips pressed together, shaking his head. The peas were not going in. And so we adapt.
So is your child distracted by the cookie? Of course he is. He doesn't want to sit in his car seat. (Who would? They are so constricting for young and active bodies!) When he sees the cookie, his brain lights up. “Ooooh, cookie, yum.” He sits for a moment, you click away, he eats. Done and done.
This bribe/distraction action isn't really a problem.
The problem comes when he is no longer interested in the cookie and he isn't putting on his coat or getting clicked into the car seat. And that day is coming. So, let's put some other tools in your toolbox.
What other distractions work with two-year-olds?Children this age love to hear that you love what they love. So, as you are getting coats on and moving him through his morning, you say things like, “I saw the biggest fire-truck yesterday! It was red and it was going weee-oh weee-oh! It was huge!” Watch his eyes light up and the joy spread over him. He will love this connection and want to hear more.
Pointing out things you see and hear is another way to distract a child. Many a parent has moved a preschooler to the car by pointing out clouds that look like puppies, bugs crawling on leaves, leaves shaped like hearts or saying, “Hush, what is that bird singing?” The child is so busy looking and listening that he forgets he's walking anywhere.
I am also a big fan of humour and performance when moving young children along. Skipping, singing, pretending to skulk like a cat, walking like a giant - the imagination is endless. You can create so many ways to get things done. One major hindrance I've seen is that parents lose their sense of humour and sense of wonder as they get older. We become focused only on “getting things done,” but our children are living in real time. This doesn't mean that life becomes a joke and nothing is accomplished; it means we can all remember what it feels like to be a child. Those memories make it easier to recapture the wonder, at least for a few minutes here and there.
Your son will be so enamoured with all your new distractions that he will simply move along. Mostly. Sometimes, though, young children don't co-operate, and you just have get through a situation as gently, lovingly and patiently as you can. Take deep breaths and keep going. At the very least, by using distractions you are avoiding scenarios involving bribes and rewards for the most basic behaviours.
Washington Post
* Meghan Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education, a master’s degree in school counselling and is a certified parent coach.