Question: I have a four-year-old who loves to be naked.
I'm glad that she's comfortable with her body, and I'm okay with her being without clothes at home, as long as it's within certain boundaries. Over the past month or so, she has started to keep clothes on more during the day, but she still prefers to sleep in the buff. My parents, who live three hours away and have started to stay with us one weekend every month, are clearly freaked out by this. Because my parents are immediate family members, at first I thought the “house guest rule” didn't necessarily apply, but they are clearly upset when she wants to be naked.
I even overheard my father telling her that “good girls wear clothes” (which turned my stomach). I'm willing to keep clothes on her during the daytime of their visits, but for bedtime I feel as if there's no truly good reason why she should have to wear pajamas. Am I being too freewheeling with my daughter's nudity?
Answer: Many parents have issues around nudity with their little ones. It is a pretty common situation, and it resolves itself with the normal maturation process 99 percent of the time.
It sounds as if you are on track with this little girl. I don't know when she will be five, but you mention that she has started to keep her clothes on more during the day. That's a good sign. It means that because you are not pushing or coercing or begging or punishing, she is naturally adapting to more clothes, more of the time. Maturity is coming!
Like many issues related to children and parenting, any sort of forcing is going to result in a battle, one that will probably last longer than if you rode it out, as you are. You're letting your daughter do what she needs to do and guiding her. I suggest parents live this way with many issues, such as potty training, sleeping, co-sleeping and tantrums. Maturity comes, and the children confidently grow out of whatever the perceived problem is.
Now, in terms of what your daughter wears when she sleeps, I feel this is specific from child to child, even adult to adult. Some families are more comfortable with nudity than others; some children are more affected by the feeling of clothing than others. They might sleep “hot” at night and enjoy feeling unencumbered and cool. And when you think about it, it is pretty natural for children to want to shed their clothing. It is freedom! And that wonderful little body is completely her own. Young children are often not self-conscious and embarrassed; it is beautiful.
Let's look at child nudity in daylight hours. Again, this is at every family's discretion to decide what is “too much,” and some families are fine with a four-year-old running around naked. Some families are not.
I would say it is common courtesy to others visiting a home to clothe a child (in a minimum of underwear and a T-shirt) when anyone else is in the house. Visitors, even family members, have the right to go about the home without seeing everyone's privates on display. It sounds as if you are doing that.
I don't know where this “good girls wear clothes” is coming from with your parents. It is absolutely appropriate for your parents to want to sit at dinner with their granddaughter and expect her to have pants on. It is not okay for them to insinuate that she is not “a good girl” if she sleeps in the nude. Unless she is sharing a bed with them, it is none of their business what she wears to bed.
And sadly, this is what you are going to have to say to your parents.
Kindly. And firmly.
It is normal for there to be a time when we step into our parenting skin, take on the role of the parent and protector and have to disagree with our own parents. There will be a million small things that you will “let go” when it comes to disagreements with your parents, but this topic deserves your attention.
It might sound like, “Mom, Dad, we love having you visit. Our daughter thinks it is really special, and getting all of this quality time with you is awesome. She does not love pajamas right now, and although she may in the future, we feel good about our nighttime routine. Please don't say anything to her about her clothing anymore.”
And if you hear it again, speak up. You don't need to be unkind. You don't need to throw a fit. You don't need to call your father a “body-shamer” or anything else. Just continue to hold your boundary.
Again, if the four-year-old were naked all of the time and everywhere, I would encourage you to dress her, but it feels and sounds as if this issue belongs with your parents. Keep it lighthearted (it is great that they come and spend so much time with your family), keep it impersonal, stay flexible, keep normalising nudity (as well as that your parents may feel awkward about it) and stand strong in your parenting.
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* Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counselling and is a certified parent coach.