QUESTION: I have a seven-year-old stepson I will call Kevin, and I need advice on how to bond with him.
Kevin lived with my husband (his biological dad), our three-year-old son and me for a year when he was six and attended kindergarten. I tried everything I could to be a good stepmom, but we never really got along. I had a hard time dividing my attention and affections between both kids and also felt as though I wasn't able to be as affectionate to my three-year-old as I wanted when Kevin was around.
Kevin has a lot of behavioural problems, such as talking back, hiding food under his bed and going to the bathroom in places besides the bathroom. This could be chalked up to “normal” six-year-old behaviour or the behaviour of a stepchild in a new environment. We tried very hard to work on it with him. But my problem is that I couldn't get past Kevin's behavioural problems in order to really feel the unconditional love that parents have for their kids. I tried to do things together and find common interests, but nothing seemed to really bond us - and I know he felt the same way. I really want to get over this hurdle so both of us can have a better relationship. Thanks for any advice you can offer.
ANSWER: It sounds as though you have a big heart. It is clear that you were trying very hard - under tough conditions - to connect with Kevin. Talking back, hiding food and going to the bathroom around the house are pretty challenging behaviours, and add to that the fact that you are a stepparent? Well, that can be a pretty rough road. So please know that your efforts, while frustrating, do matter.
I also want you to go easy on yourself. The pressure you are placing on yourself to “feel the unconditional love” of a parent toward Kevin is admirable, but daunting. Your question is a perfect example of how, despite an adult's best efforts, our love and compassion may not land the way we want it to. Here you are, yearning and trying to love Kevin, and he continues to push you away and act out defiantly. We think the more we love a child, the better his or her behaviour will become. But this is where we parents get it wrong. This isn't about more love, effort or strategies. This is about understanding the interior world of a child.
There are so many details I don't know about this situation that it's difficult to guide you. I don't know about Mom, school or learning/neurological issues. I am going to speak in generalities. Here’s my advice:
* Lay off. I say that with a lot of love. It is not your job to parent him. You have the three-year-old and your husband. Obviously, there are boundaries and rules to keep, and basic needs of the home must be met; but resist the urge to strongly connect and attach, give, and expect love from Kevin. Stay kind, have soft eyes and smile, but take it easy.
* As you are actively backing off this relationship, give your attention to supporting your husband. The parenting job belongs solely to him, and he should be the one actively connecting with Kevin. Meals out, activities, cuddling, reading, discipline - it all needs to come from the father. That is the person Kevin is attached to, so that is the only way it is going to work. As this relationship finds its footing and becomes more secure, you and your three-year-old may begin to be able to join. But this timing is up to Kevin, not you. Don't take it personally; this is not about you.
* Support the birth mom. Speak of her kindly and lovingly to Kevin. Let him know that she is the mom through and through.
* Look for small openings into Kevin's heart. When you feel as if there is a softening in him, gently say things like “I saw a baseball game and thought of you the other day.” Or ask him to show you his video game, saying, “How does this work?” If he completely resists, back out of it.
* Whenever possible, mirror his emotions with feeling words. “Kevin, I see how frustrated you feel!” “Kevin, you are effective at telling me you don't want to eat this dinner.” “Okay, I see all the kicks in your legs, let's find something to kick.” As his relationships become more secure, his behaviour may become messier. More crying, more acting out. This is normal - but very triggering for adults.
* So, get support. An empathetic and loving counsellor can help the whole family. I would suggest finding an excellent play therapist for Kevin as you do the heavy lifting at home.
* Finally, do not harshly discipline defiance or regression. Do not take away what he holds dear. Do not make a huge issue of his bathroom messes. (Instead say: “Oh well, it's no problem. We can clean this.”) Most important, do not send him to a timeout or to his room. He already feels alone and confused, and both of these acts will trigger his alarm and panic, creating more defiant behaviour. His actions are a cry for compassion and love and should be treated as such. Waiting it out, hugging, mirroring his emotions, and letting him know that you are not angry and he is always accepted and loved in the family will help him feel that unconditional love that you were trying to find.
Nothing I have suggested is easy - I know this. I am writing in the best interests of the child, but please find some support for yourself. A good group of stepparents, either local or online, will help normalise these issues and buoy your spirits. Don't give up on Kevin; you can do it. Good luck.
Washington Post