Johannesburg - Parents ask themselves all sorts of anxious questions before telling their children they’re getting divorced. “Should we wait until after their birthday/Christmas/holidays?”; “I need to tell my daughter that I’m not to blame. Is that a bad idea?”; “Don’t they need to know about the affair?”; “He’s already a nervous child. What is this going to do to him?”
Family therapist Vikki Stark, in her new book Divorce: How To Tell The Kids, interviewed over 100 children, and adults who were children when their parents divorced, and concluded that “it’s usually not the mere fact of divorce that causes the greatest harm. Rather, it’s the ongoing conflict that does the most damage”.
So what’s the best way to navigate this sticky but all-too-often inevitable transition? In her book, subtitled A Parent’s Guide To Breaking The News Without Breaking Their Hearts , Stark says tears, anger and hurt are normal responses, but you can reduce the threat of trauma by being attuned to your children’s emotions, in other words “to correctly identify and acknowledge what your child is feeling without trying to change it”.
“Children find it profoundly comforting to know that they have a parent who really understands and accepts their feelings, particularly when something scary and unwanted is taking place. It is extremely important for children to feel that they are not alone with their emotions. Not being in tune with their children’s emotions at this pivotal moment in their lives is one of the biggest mistakes parents can make,” she writes.
In an ideal scenario, divorcing parents will discuss what they’ll tell the children, and give some detail - depending on their ages - about why their relationship is over. Importantly, they’ll go into what will be happening next in their children’s lives. The telling should be almost rehearsed, according to Stark, who interviewed a number of psychologists for their input.
“They (the parents) would know who speaks first and how much to say - and they would not deviate much from that plan. (The children) may be sad and there may be tears, but that’s okay because they will demonstrate that in spite of their grief, they are still the parents and still in charge,” says Stark.
Of course, being human, that’s not generally how it plays out.
Linda*, mother of two sons who were 21 and 25 at the time, says she was so angry with her husband after he told her he wanted a divorce that she made him tell the boys himself “with me present in the room”.
“He had another woman, and it was his decision, so I felt he should tell the children,” she says. “He did, and they just looked blank and went quiet. In retrospect, now that we’ve all got used to our new lives, it would’ve been better to discuss how we would let them know, and I should’ve been less obvious in my anger. There’s a lot that’s just been left unsaid, unexplained, and the boys have since drifted away from their father. It’s sad,” she says.
Stark found that many of the divorced parents who participated in her study said their greatest regret was that “they were unable to control their emotions during the telling. They behaved impulsively or were motivated by revenge.”
“It was common for the person being left to subconsciously hope that the children’s response would be devastatingly negative, to show the leaver look what you're doing to us!”, but Stark urges parents to try to avoid this.
“Whether you’re the leaver or leavee, it’s normal to be tempted to either exaggerate or minimise to your spouse evidence of the intensity of your child’s reaction in order to bolster your agenda. There’s no doubt that your child will pick this up. While giving in to this urge may feel justified now, in the long run it can be very damaging for your child,” she writes.
“Don’t get in the habit of using your child’s emotions to support your position! You need to make a clear distinction between attending to your child’s genuine reaction and influencing that reaction to serve your own goals. We want to keep the kids out of the parents’ conflict and, as much as possible, not use them to achieve our own agenda.”
Honesty is the best policy, and Stark’s interviews with the children of divorced parents, asking what they’d advise other divorcing parents, really exemplify this.
“Be honest” is what most of them said. Even a white lie isn't a good idea. Naomi, now grown up, recalls how her father, wanting to soften the blow, said he’d be coming back in a year or so. “My biggest wish was that my father would return; my biggest fear was that he wouldn’t. When my father never returned to the marriage or the family, I realised the worst thing he said was that he’d be back in a year. Separating parents should not make promises they can’t keep, especially to blindsided 12-year-olds.”
The second most important message from these children was to try not to badmouth each other. If that means keeping the information scant, so be it. “Don’t overshare the reasons why.”
“Be truthful about what is happening but keep your own stuff out of the telling.” And if it becomes necessary to reveal a parent’s serious problem, such as an addiction, do so without criticism or blame, suggests Stark.
In the event of an affair, she agrees that the leaver should be the one to tell the children. “I know that telling your kids that you’re having an affair is an awfully hard thing to do, but it’s better than letting them find out from someone else. At the very least, you can respect yourself that you had the guts to face the situation and tell them. Please try not to be defensive or blame the other parent in this telling, even if that’s your true feeling. Just be simple and factual,” writes Stark.
Above all, it’s vital that your children still feel loved. Jacob, who was eight when his parents separated and is now in his thirties, offers the conclusion of Stark’s book: “Tell your kids that you love them. Tell them that you plan on working through the issues you have so that you can parent them together. Explain to them, as best you can, how the logistics of things are going to work out.
“One of the things that I am most grateful for is that my parents had a pretty amicable divorce. There was very little fighting between the two of them. As time has gone by and they have become grandparents, they have also become friends. This Christmas, I had both my parents together for the first time in 20 years. My dad and his new wife and my mom were all together for Christmas. It was a little strange for me but it was really good.”
* Not their real names
The Seven Steps for Breaking the News
by Vikki Stark
1 Learn to manage your own emotions so you will be in the best shape possible when you talk to your children.
2 If you can, have a planning meeting with your spouse to work out the basics of what you're going to tell the kids.
3 Understand what the divorce means for your children.
4 Decide who should do the telling, where and when to tell, and what to say to explain why you are splitting. If you cannot work effectively with your spouse, decide these things yourself.
5 Tell your children about the divorce or separation.
6 Be attuned to your children’s emotions. Listen carefully, acknowledge and accept their emotions and respond appropriately to their reactions, thereby reducing the risk of trauma.
7 Remain attuned in the days and weeks after the telling.
It is common for the person being left to subconsciously hope that the children’s response will be devastatingly negative.
Helen Grange, The Star