As a school counsellor, I often hear from parents whose children are struggling academically or behaviourally. They have questions that vary from the logistical to the personal. Should they consult a professional or give it time? How can they know if their expectations are realistic? Would a diagnosis kill their child's self-esteem?
Bob Cunningham, head of a private school in New York, advises parents to trust their instincts and take action when their children's marks decline, their behaviour changes, they resist going to school or their friends start ditching them.
As parents embark on the journey to identify and address learning or attention issues, here are nine ways they can support and empower their child.
Treat children as experts in their lives but partner with others
“Most questions delivered to kids are really accusations with a question mark at the end,” says Ned Johnson, president of PrepMatters and co-author of The Self-Driven Child: The science and sense behind giving kids more control of their lives. Keep a log and talk to counsellors, teachers and other adults in your child's life to identify patterns. Parents might discover that symptoms change depending on the classroom set-up, the skills required in a specific class, the teacher's behaviour or their relationship with the child, says Melanie Auerbach, the director of student support at a private school in the District of Columbia.
Partner with the school
Provide the school with work samples, the historical record and any diagnostic information, says Amanda Morin, author of The Everything Parent’s Guide to Special Education. Be specific. Parents can say: “My child isn't reading at grade level,” or “English causes more outbursts than maths”.
Be deliberate in how you communicate.
Principal Chris Nardi tells parents and teachers to pick up the phone or meet in person whenever an e-mail exceeds a paragraph. He recently e-mailed his son's teacher with a concern. When her response was terse, he knew there was a disconnect. “I said ‘Can we go off-line and talk, because I think we're misinterpreting our tones?’ ”
“Call a teacher or counsellor, share your concerns and ask them to help you understand”.
Identify the right issues
Children with specific learning disabilities can have attention issues, and children with attention issues can have anxiety. The root of the problem isn't always obvious. Parents might think their child is anxious because maths is a struggle, but maths may be difficult because of their anxiety.
Don't ignore the social sphere
“If your child has poor impulse control and says whatever is on his mind, it doesn't take much to imagine the social implications,” Cunningham says. If he is late or disruptive, a teacher may punish the entire class. If he doesn't pull his weight on a group project, his social standing will take a hit.
“A lot of kids with social issues will have significantly improved lives if the goal is more comfortable interactions with a broader range of classmates or teammates.”
Change what you do first
Parents need to think about what they can do to provide a better situation for their children who are struggling. “If your child isn't getting to school on time, you might have to get up earlier, or check that your child is in the shower before you start making lunches,” Cunningham says. “Your expectation is still that your child is going to get to school on time, but you need to offer more scaffolding.”
Capitalise on children's strengths and interests
Make sure teachers know where your child excels. If your child is strong socially but has weak literacy skills, group work might be a good choice. Schools can offer children leadership roles that highlight their skills, build their confidence and influence the way others view them. Challenges often come with built-in strengths, says teacher Laurel Blackmon. When teachers draw on kids’ interests, they build their capacity to sustain attention.
Model self-advocacy skills
Miriam Tager, Ella’s mother and an assistant professor of early-childhood education, says her daughter knew how to ask teachers whether they had read her Individualised Education Programme (IEP) by the time she was in fifth grade.
“My parents were constantly advocating for me, so I figured out how to use teacherly language,” Ella says.
Take the ‘I do, we do, you do’ approach
Supports should be removed as children learn skills. “Is your goal to make sure they're getting everything right, or to teach them how to do it independently next time?” asks Donna Volpitta, founder of the Centre for Resilient Leadership in New York. Parents can contact the school for their child, then guide their children as they write their teacher an e-mail, then step back when they can do it on their own.
Be direct but sensitive
Parents may need to work out their own issues so that they can be calm and empathetic.
“Your child is sensitive to your reaction,” says Rachel Simmons, author of Enough As She Is.
“We have to check ourselves and make sure our disappointment about a limitation in our child is not about an unresolved wound or an over-identification with our child's success.”
Phyllis Fagell is the counsellor at Sheridan School. She tweets @pfagell and blogs at phyllisfagell.com