LOVE, that most profound emotion, hovered over the couch briefly as all its many forms were weighed and considered.
That is, when we weren’t dashing outside, scanning the skies and pleading with the next hovering balloon of aliens to take us with them.
What on Earth is going on? What self-respecting alien, by definition a smart bunch who have overcome the space travel equations only grappled with by human scientists fairly recently, would pop into our world of quake catastrophes, floods, drought, war, famine, hatred and stupidity? Honestly, if I was an alien, one fly-by would have me scooting off in search of a saner sanctuary.
They possibly thought Valentine’s Day was a positive for the bleak planet. That one day a year when (not all) humans swop flowers, chocolates, bits of melted and reconfigured “precious” metal, old compressed stones, stomped-on grapes, teeny scraps of nylon underwear and all manner of other things “romantic”. Millions would have had candle-lit dinners, but they are everyday and loathed events, thanks to Eskom.
Now, it seems, the invasion of the aliens has come and for some reason they have chosen, of all places, ’Merica.
According to millions of orange-worshippers who have transitioned from being experts on the Covid “plot”, to drinking bleach, to voting fraud, to “patriots” storming the Capitol because the election was stolen, that’s what has happened. Their government has managed to leave the space borders unchecked and we have Visitors.
Sometimes we on the couch look at the Saffer government disaster and parts of the ’Merica government (including the states which have some lovelies, I tell ya) and wonder which is worse. The couch won’t name names, but there are uncanny doppelgangers: the ignorant loudmouth screeching “liar” as President Biden gave his State of the Union address; the man The Washington Post described as a “serial fabulist” for the torrent of lies and apparent fraud exposed before being sworn in as a representative of the people; the weak and spineless house Speaker; the man who said the Republican Party would be destroyed if the defeated former guy was elected and now can’t be extracted from the DFG’s exterior; the long arm of the law which has been invaded and overrun by secret cadres and lost the trust of those who hang on for democracy.
The most terrifying individual ‒ one us battered Saffers don’t (yet) have a duplicate of ‒ is the GOP’s probable presidential candidate in Florida. He’s banned so many books, many literary works of art, that some school libraries have removed all books from their shelves so they do not transgress the rules. He has determined these books endanger young readers because of themes of race, gender identity, social justice and, um, anything else he determines. He also demanded school girls make public their menstrual cycles (overruled). Oh, and he’s also now running Disney World.
Then our hunter-gatherer tax person invaded my email and blew away any thoughts of affection with a staggering bill and an outrageously difficult obstacle course to arrange “debt repayment”. There has been no joy, and the couch may have to move to a cell.
The only way out is to fall in love with an alien and get the hell out of here.
- Lindsay Slogrove is the news editor.
The Independent on Saturday